I am the chimp

The Average Chimp (Chimp-us Regularis) is the regular guy who believes in God, Country, and family above all else. He is humble, works hard, always lets the lady go first, and doesn't suffer fools lightly.

In a world that is upside down, the Average Chimp is the guy sitting back and waiting to be called upon to right the ship. He has no fucks to give about nonsense, anyone's feelings, or being politically correct. He has a solid moral compass, a general idea of how the world works, and can laugh at himself.

The Average Chimps across America make this country great. I wanted a place to share my ideas from one Average Chimp to the others.

My name is Matt, and I am an Average Chimp. I am a 47-year-old American Man. My ancestors come from Italy, but I haven't met any of them, so I don't care. I love my country, and I am proud to say it. I live in a suburb of New York City with my wife and two sons. I spent 23 years in law enforcement and have recently retired to pursue a career in not giving a fuck and freelance writing. After giving most of my youth to my career, I have decided to focus on raising my sons, being a youth travel Hockey Dad, consuming as much filth and humor as I can cram into my head, and drinking as much good scotch and bourbon as the good Lord will allow me.

As a proud American, I am not woke, and I am not politically correct. My opinions are mine, and I do and say what I want. This site is a collection of adult tomfoolery and shenanigans; if you are a sensitive flower, this is not the place for you. There will be no apologies; if I hurt your feelings, I know I have done something right. I will save attention seekers a lot of trouble - I am an Average Chimp, and I'm not concerned about what you think of me. You can always send me your opinions and concerns, but I doubt I will answer you.

If, however, you decide to join the insanity and you have a funny story or want to share something that you think all Average Chimps would love to see, reach out to me, and we can chat.

I'm happy you are here. Take a seat, pour yourself a drink, and enjoy the ride!

The Average Chimp

P.S. I co-host the podcast Two Average Chimps with my chimp from another mother, Mike Chimperson.